Good intentions. Bad optics. Let’s fix it.
You’ve done the work.
You’ve earned the title. You’ve sat in the rooms, navigated the politics, built the teams, and made the hard calls. You are the leader.
And then you open your mouth in a meeting and say something that quietly, invisibly, almost imperceptibly — hands a little of your power back.
Not because you’re weak. Not because you don’t know your stuff. But because somewhere along the way, you picked up a handful of linguistic habits that are working directly against you — and nobody told you.
Until now.
Let’s talk about five things leaders say all the time that chip away at their authority. Not to shame you — I probably said three of them this week — but because language shapes perception. And perception, in leadership, is reality.
Research from the MIT Sloan Management Review confirms it: the words you choose signal your level of conviction, your certainty, your command. When your language hedges, your audience hedges their trust in you. It’s not conscious. It just happens. Every single time.
So let’s name them.
1. “I just wanted to…”
Ah yes. The little word that does so much damage.
“I just wanted to check in on the project.”I just thought it might be worth flagging…”I just had a quick question.”
“Just” is a minimiser. Full stop. According to leadership development coach Wendy Capland, it’s what she calls a qualifier — a word that signals to the listener that whatever follows isn’t particularly important. Which is a problem, because you usually say “just” right before something you actually care about quite a lot.
When you lead with “just,” you’re apologising for your own presence in the conversation before you’ve even started. You’re saying: ” Don’t worry, I won’t take up too much space.” And the people you lead? They notice. Not consciously, necessarily — but they notice.
Here’s the fix: drop it. Entirely. Not reduced. Gone.
“I want to check in on the project.” Confident.
“I think we need to flag this.” Clear.
“I have a question.” Direct.
You don’t need to shrink yourself to seem approachable. Approachable and authoritative can absolutely share the same sentence. I promise.
2. “Does that make sense?”
Oh, this one. This one is everywhere in leadership conversations, and it feels so harmless. You’re checking in. You’re being inclusive. You’re inviting feedback.
Except — that’s not what your brain is actually doing.
“Does that make sense?” is almost never about whether the other person understood. It’s about whether you were clear enough. It’s a wobble. It’s you, in real time, expressing a tiny flicker of doubt about your own communication. And your audience — consciously or not — picks up that signal.
There’s a meaningful difference between inviting dialogue and expressing uncertainty. Leaders need to do the first one regularly. The second one, not so much.
Tami Reiss, whose research inspired a widely-used tool for identifying undermining language in professional communication, includes “Does that make sense?” in the exact list of phrases that quietly erode credibility — because it shifts the responsibility for your clarity onto the listener.
Try this instead:
“What questions do you have?” — confident and open.
“I’d love to hear your thoughts.” — warm and inviting.
“Let’s make sure we’re aligned — where do you want to start?” — directive and collaborative.
Same invitation. Completely different energy.
3. “I’m sorry, but…”
Before you come at me, I am not saying apologise. A real apology, given clearly and genuinely when you have actually done something wrong, is an act of strength, not weakness. Full stop.
What I am saying is: stop apologising for existing.
“Sorry, can I just jump in here?
“I’m sorry, but I think we need to reconsider this.
“Sorry to bother you, but…”
Research published in the Journal of Psychological Science found that women — who are socialised to apologise more in professional settings — disproportionately carry the credibility cost of this habit. The penalty for using minimising language is measurably larger for women than for men. Which is maddening. And also means it matters more for you to notice this pattern if you’re a woman in a leadership role, because the deck is already not entirely stacked in your favour.
When you apologise for having an opinion, a question, or a presence in a conversation, you signal to the room that you believe you need permission. And leaders don’t ask for permission to have a perspective. They share it.
Try this: replace unnecessary “I’m sorry” with “thank you.”
“Sorry to bother you” → “Thank you for making time.
“Sorry, I think I missed something” → “Help me understand this part better.”
Same warmth. Zero apology. Completely different authority.
4. “I think… / I feel like… / I kind of…”
Let’s talk about the tentative verbs. Because these ones are sneaky.
“I think we should probably look at this differently.”I feel like this project might be heading in the wrong direction.”I kind of want to push back on this.”
Every one of those phrases contains valid, important leadership content. The direction you’re proposing is wrong. The project is heading off-course. Your instinct is telling you something important. But the way they’re delivered — buried under “I think,” softened by “I feel like,” qualified by “kind of” — strips them of their weight.
Strong verbs drive strong impressions. Research is clear: leaders who use evidence-based, decisive language are perceived as more competent and more trustworthy than those who hedge their assessments — even when the underlying observation is identical.
“I recommend we approach this differently, and here’s why.
“The project is heading off course. Here’s what I’m seeing.
“I’m pushing back on this — let me tell you where I’m landing.”
You’re not more collaborative when you hedge. You’re just harder to follow. And people want to follow you. That’s why you’re the leader. Give them something clear to follow.
5. “Does everyone agree?”
This is the quiet authority-killer that nobody talks about enough.
It sounds like inclusion. It sounds like consensus-building. It sounds like the kind of psychologically safe, team-oriented leadership language all the books tell you to use.
And sometimes, it is those things.
But there’s a version of “does everyone agree?” that’s actually a nervous tic — a leader checking that the room is still with them, still approving, still on board. And that version? That’s not inclusion. That’s approval-seeking. And there is a very big difference.
A study published in the journal Research in Organizational Behavior found that followers have a genuine expectation that their leaders will exercise authority and make decisions. When leaders repeatedly seek validation from their teams before landing, it creates confusion about who is actually driving. People start to wonder: are we the leaders? Are they?
Real inclusion doesn’t mean seeking unanimous approval before every decision. It means genuinely listening, incorporating what you hear, and then making the call clearly.
“I want to hear any concerns before we move forward — who’s got something?” That’s inclusion. “So… does everyone agree?” That’s wobbling.
You can be consultative and decisive. You can hear every voice and still own the direction. In fact, that’s exactly what great leadership looks like.
The bigger picture (and the bit I want you to really sit with)
Here’s the thing: none of the language articles tells you, and I think it matters.
Most of these phrases come from a good place. You say, “Does that make sense?” because you actually care whether people are following you. You say “I’m sorry, but…” because you don’t want to steamroll anyone. You say “I just…” because you’re trying not to be that person — the loud, overbearing, all-the-oxygen-in-the-room person you’ve worked so hard not to become.
That impulse is not the problem. That impulse is, actually, what makes you a thoughtful leader.
The problem is that the way we learned to express care, humility, and collaboration got tangled up somewhere with self-diminishment. And now they come out in the same package, and you’re accidentally handing away authority with every meeting invitation.
You don’t have to choose between being warm and being authoritative. You don’t have to be hard-edged, cold, or performatively confident to be taken seriously. You just have to stop apologising for taking up space — because the people who need you to lead them need you to actually do it.
Full stop.
This week’s challenge
For the next five days, I want you to do one thing:
Notice.
That’s it. Just notice when these phrases come out of your mouth — in meetings, in emails, in Slack messages, in one-on-ones. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t try to fix it all at once. Just see it.
Because you cannot change what you cannot see. And once you see it? You will not be able to unsee it.
And that’s where everything starts.
This is the work Sonia was built for.
Sonia McDonald is an award-winning leadership coach and speaker who helps leaders lead better — in the boardroom, on stage, and in every conversation in between. Have a question for the Dear Sonia column? Drop it in the comments or send it directly.
Want to bring this conversation to your team or your next event?
If you want this message in a room that needs it, or if you’re ready to do the deeper work yourself, she’d love to hear from you.
Invite Sonia to speak or apply for coaching.
With Love and Leadership, Sonia x
P.S. Please share your thoughts, as I would love to hear from you!
References
- MIT Sloan Management Review’s work on how word ownership signals conviction and authority MIT Sloan Management Review
- Leadership coach Wendy Capland’s research on “minimising language” — words that convey uncertainty even when your intent is confidence Escalon
- The finding that the penalty for using low-power language is measurably larger for women than for men Substack
- Research in Organizational Behavior showing that followers expect leaders to exercise authority — and are damaged in their trust when leaders repeatedly seek validation instead Lassen News
