How I stopped letting what happened to me define who I became
There was a time when it would have been very easy, justified, even, to see myself as the victim. I was living overseas. I had a young child. Very little money. No safety net nearby.
And then my marriage ended abruptly. I was left in a foreign country with a child to protect, a life to rebuild, and a future that suddenly felt terrifyingly uncertain. There was betrayal. There was shock. There was grief, not just for the relationship, but for the life I thought I was living.
If you’d asked me then who I was, I might have said: Abandoned. Blindsided. Broken.
And for a while, that story made sense. But here’s the truth I learned…slowly, painfully, and honestly:
What happens to you is real. What you do next is where your power lives.
When the “Victim Story” Starts to Take Over
Being a victim isn’t a character flaw. It’s often a natural response to shock, trauma, or loss. The problem isn’t feeling hurt. The problem is moving in permanently to that identity.
I noticed it when my inner dialogue shifted:
- “Why does this always happen to me?”
- “I’ve been left behind.”
- “I don’t have a choice.”
That voice keeps you small. It waits for rescue. It hands your future over to the past. And one day, I realised something quietly powerful: No one was coming to save me. And strangely… that was the moment everything changed.
The Reframe That Changed Everything
I didn’t wake up one morning feeling strong. I didn’t suddenly feel confident or fearless. What I did feel was responsibility, not blame, responsibility.
I asked myself one question that altered the direction of my life:
“If I were the hero of this story, what would I do next?”
Not:
- What should I endure?
- What can I survive?
But:
- What can I choose?
- What can I build?
- Who do I want my child to see me become?
That’s when I stopped centring the story on what had been taken from me, and started centring it on what I was capable of creating. I came home. I rebuilt. I faced rejection, over and over again. I kept going. Not because I was fearless. But because I was done outsourcing my future to someone else’s choices.
Being Your Own Hero Doesn’t Mean Being Hard
This isn’t a “just be positive” story. And it’s not about pretending pain didn’t happen. Being your own hero means:
- Feeling the grief without living inside it
- Telling the truth without letting it define you
- Choosing courage before confidence shows up
Heroes aren’t unscarred. They’re self-led.
5 Ways to Reframe from Victim to Self-Leader
1. Separate the event from your identity
Something happened to you. It is not who you are. Language matters:
- Instead of “I was abandoned” → “That relationship ended.”
- Instead of “I’m broken” → “I’m healing.”
2. Stop waiting for validation of your pain
You don’t need permission to move forward. You don’t need agreement to choose better. Closure is often something we give ourselves.
3. Ask a forward-facing question
Victim questions look backward. Hero questions look forward. Try:
- “What’s the smallest brave step I can take today?”
- “What would future me thank me for?”
4. Let responsibility empower you, not punish you
Responsibility isn’t blame. It’s agency. It says: “I may not control what happened, but I control what happens next.”
5. Become the person your story needs
At some point, I realised my story didn’t need a rescuer. It needed a woman who would:
- Stand up
- Speak up
- Keep going
So I became her, one decision at a time.
The Quiet Truth About Strength
Strength isn’t loud. It’s consistent. It’s choosing not to live life as a reaction to your wounds. It’s refusing to let betrayal become your personality. It’s deciding that your story doesn’t end where someone else walked away.
You don’t have to deny what happened. You just don’t have to live there.
You can honour the pain and choose power. You can grieve and grow. You can be human and heroic.
And sometimes, the bravest thing you’ll ever say is:
“This happened. And I am still becoming.”
If you’re ready to stop living from what happened, and start leading from who you’re becoming….this work is for you.
I coach individuals and leaders, and I speak to organisations ready for honest, human leadership conversations that actually change behaviour.