THE EMAIL THAT LANDED IN MY INBOX

Dear Sonia,

I’m a single mum with two kids and a career I’ve worked really hard for. On paper, I’m doing fine — good job, kids fed, bills (mostly) paid. But honestly? I’m exhausted. I feel guilty at work because I’m thinking about the kids, and guilty at home because I’m answering emails at the dinner table. I’ve missed two promotions because I can’t “put in the hours” like everyone else, and I’ve started to wonder if I’m just not cut out for both.

Everyone else seems to be managing. What am I doing wrong?

— Running on Empty

Dear Running on Empty,

First things first: put the kettle on, because you and I are going to have a proper chat. And I want you to read every word of this like it was written just for you — because it was.

I can picture you writing that email at 9:47pm with a laptop on your knees, a load of washing mid-cycle, and a child who has asked for water three times because bedtime is apparently a negotiation, not an event.

I see you. And before we go one sentence further, let me answer your question directly: you are doing nothing wrong. You are not behind, you are not broken, and you are certainly not “less committed” to your career because you happen to be running small humans’ entire lives single-handedly on the side. And no — everyone else is NOT managing. They’re just better at hiding the chaos on LinkedIn.

You are, in fact, one of the most operationally gifted leaders I know. You just don’t get a title for it, a salary for it, or a LinkedIn badge that says “Chief Everything Officer, Household Division.”

So here’s my reply, in full. It’s warm, because you deserve warmth. It’s sassy, because I don’t know any other way. And it’s practical, because you don’t have time for fluff — you have approximately eleven minutes before someone needs a permission slip signed.

First, the truth: the game was not designed for you

Let’s get the research-backed reality check out of the way, because I refuse to let you keep blaming yourself for a system problem.

Organisational psychology has known for decades that workplaces were built around an “ideal worker” — someone available anytime, mobile, and blissfully unencumbered by school pick-ups. That worker had a partner at home doing the invisible labour. You are the worker AND the partner. You are playing doubles, alone, against a team.

Gallup’s research on wellbeing and engagement consistently shows that employees who feel supported in their whole lives — not just their job descriptions — are dramatically more engaged and less likely to burn out. Meanwhile, research on working mothers repeatedly finds they are judged as more competent than their childless peers on execution and prioritisation, yet penalised on perceived commitment. Translation: you’re doing more with less, and being marked down for it. Charming.

Here’s why that matters: when you understand the game wasn’t designed for you, you stop wasting energy on guilt and start spending it on strategy. Guilt is a terrible project manager. Strategy gets things done.

Tip 1: Fire the Guilt Committee

You know the one. It convenes in your head at midnight and reviews your performance as a mother, an employee, a friend, a daughter, and a human who allegedly should also be doing Pilates.

Fire them. All of them. Effective immediately.

Psychologists call it self-compassion, and the research is embarrassingly clear: people who treat themselves with the same kindness they’d offer a friend are more resilient, more motivated, and recover faster from setbacks. Self-flagellation doesn’t make you a better mum or a better leader. It just makes you a tired one.

Try this instead: when the guilt starts talking, ask, “Would I say this to my best friend if she were in my shoes?” If the answer is no — and it’s always no — the thought doesn’t get airtime.

Tip 2: Boundaries are a leadership skill, not a luxury.

Repeat after me: “No” is a complete sentence. It does not require a doctor’s certificate, a three-paragraph apology, or a promise to make it up to anyone.

Here’s the sassy truth: the people who respect your boundaries were never the problem. And the people who bristle at them? They were benefiting from you not having any.

• Block your non-negotiables in the calendar first — school assembly, pick-up, your own dentist appointment you’ve rescheduled four times. They go in before the meetings do.
• Stop over-explaining. “I’m not available at 5pm” is enough. “I have a commitment” is enough. Your child IS a commitment — arguably the commitment.
• Set your communication hours and let technology do the enforcing. Scheduled send is your new best friend. Reply at 9pm if that suits you — but let it land at 8am.

Tip 3: Build your village on purpose

Somewhere along the way, we swallowed the myth that asking for help is weakness. Let me be blunt: that myth is costing you your health, and it’s rubbish leadership besides. No CEO runs a company alone. Why on earth would you run a family and a career alone?

Your village might look like: the school mum who does pick-up swaps, the neighbour who takes a parcel, the colleague who covers the 8am meeting, the grandparent on FaceTime homework duty, or paid help where the budget allows — and zero shame if it does.

And here’s the leadership reframe: delegation is a skill you already practise at work. Every time you ask for help at home, you’re not failing — you’re resourcing the project. The project is your life. Resource it properly.

TRUE STORY

Years ago, I sat in my car in the office car park, having just dropped a sick child at my mum’s, mascara halfway down my face, rehearsing how I’d apologise for being seventeen minutes late — again. And then it hit me: I had negotiated multi-million-dollar contracts that week. I had led a team through a restructure. And here I was, apologising for being a parent.

I walked in that day and stopped apologising for existing. I started saying, “Thanks for your patience” instead of “I’m so sorry.” Nobody blinked. The only person keeping score was me.

Tip 4: Ruthless prioritisation beats heroic multitasking.

The research on multitasking is unanimous: it’s a myth. What we actually do is task-switch, and every switch costs us time, accuracy, and energy. You are not a bad multitasker. Nobody is a good one.

So stop trying to be everywhere and start being deliberate:

• Pick your daily “big three” — three things that genuinely move the needle at work. Everything else is a bonus, not a failure.
• Batch the life admin. One power hour on Sunday for the week’s logistics beats forty micro-panics across five days.
• Lower the bar where it doesn’t matter. Store-bought birthday cake. Wrinkled school shirt. Cereal for dinner occasionally. Your children will remember that you were present, not that you were Pinterest.

Tip 5: Own your story at work — out loud.

Here’s where I want you to get a little bit brave, because courage is my favourite leadership word and you have it in spades whether you realise it or not.

Stop hiding the single mum part of your story like it’s a liability. It’s a credential. You run logistics, budgets, negotiations, crisis management, and stakeholder relations (have you MET a seven-year-old?) every single day before 8am.

When it’s time for the pay conversation, the promotion conversation, the flexibility conversation — walk in with evidence, not apology. Trust and credibility are built on visible results, and yours are everywhere: the projects delivered, the team retained, the fires put out. Name them. Claim them.

Tip 6: Put your own oxygen mask on — and mean it.

I know. You’ve heard the aeroplane metaphor so many times you could scream. But here’s the version with teeth: rest is not a reward for finishing everything. You will never finish everything. Rest is the infrastructure that makes everything else possible.

Sleep, movement, sunlight, one friendship you actually maintain, and at least one thing in your week that is purely yours — not mum-you, not manager-you. Just you. Burnout research is crystal clear that recovery isn’t optional; it’s the difference between a sustainable career and a spectacular crash. Choose sustainable. Your kids are watching how you treat yourself, and they’re taking notes for how they’ll treat themselves one day. Let that one land.

Finally: you are already the leader you’re trying to become.

Dear Running on Empty — you asked what you’re doing wrong. Here’s my answer: nothing. You don’t need to become more resilient, more organised, or more courageous. You already are those things, every single day, in ways that would make most executives weep into their strategy documents.

What you need is what every great leader needs: support, strategy, and someone in your corner reminding you that you’re allowed to take up space.

Consider this reply your reminder. Now go to bed. The washing can wait.

With love and just the right amount of sass,

Sonia x

Ready for someone in your corner?

If this letter hit you right in the chest, don’t let it end here. At LeadershipHQ, backing bold, brave leaders — especially the ones doing it all — is exactly what we do:

• Executive coaching — one-on-one support to build your confidence, your boundaries, and your next career move.
• Keynotes and workshops — bring courageous, practical leadership to your team or event.
• The Leadership Association — join a community of leaders who lift each other up (your village, professionally speaking).
• Books and resources — research-backed, real-world leadership you can actually use.

Visit the LeadershipHQ website or get in touch today — because you shouldn’t have to do the brave stuff alone.